I can't put a SuperBowl logo here or the NFL will sue me.
(No kidding.)
The problem with the Super Bowl isn't the football game, although this year's may have been the worst ever. It's just that everything about it has become so clunky, predictable and stale. The first laugh of the night, or was it the afternoon?, was the introduction of the national anthem. The speaker had the lowest voice of anyone without some kind of mechanical modulation device. It flowed like a river of testosterone. Yeah, I get that the Super Bowl is machismo on steroids. Cue Tim Allen's staccato grunt from Home Improvement. But he was a dork, and so is the machismo. The game isn't watched just by hairy Neanderthals in a bacchanal for all things manly. The game is watched by millions of women and children. But the NFL has been doing this silly macho Super Bowl thing for half a century and they don't have a clue on how to evolve. Low voices - with unrivaled gravitas. That's how you sell a sporting event from the NFL.
So, here are the things that are a problem, besides the in-house announcing, with the Super Bowl.
The National Anthem:
Every year we have some real or manufactured controversy over the Anthem. One year it was so unrecognizable that people didn't know if they should sit, stand, or throw their hotdogs on the field. Remember when Christina Aguilera botched the lyrics? I get that this year Gladys Knight got the honors, being an Atlanta native and all, but maybe we should bring her out before the show to sing some of her best hits rather than the Anthem.
What I would do: The National Anthem is the song of America. It is our history, it is our people. Forget the stars, some brand new, some way over the hill. Have members of the military have the honors. And children's choirs. VFW groups. And ethnic groups. And Native American Indians. Save the glitter, NFL, for the game, leave the national anthem for real Americans.
The Half Time Show:
First off, I have to admit my musical bandwidth is real narrow. Give me Meat Loaf, Harry Chapin, James Blunt or Olly Murs and I could tap my toe all night. Unfortunately, Meat is retired, Harry is dead and that leaves only two left who I would sign up for the gig. I'll give the annual layout of the halftime show. First we sign someone who will please a percentage of people and alienate most right from the start. Music is just so subjective it is bound to put off most. There have been good shows. Get Beyoncé and you'll get the high schoolers, get Paul McCartney and you'll get the seniors. This year was Maroon 5 and it was forgettable. The guy had to take off his shirt to get a reaction. Well, he got the ladies. It is just too hit and miss.
Next, we get the performer to stand on a large stage at mid-field. We get kids to surround the stage with instructions to raise their hands and wave as if they are in some kind of drug-induced trance. Next we make sure there are fireworks and pyrotechnics so we can all say "awww." And since the NFL wants to touch all the bases, we throw in rappers with fur coats and swag.
What I would do: If it were me, I'd scrap the music. I'd make a 20 minute short movie with Harrison Ford and his dog. Or a short with the Clydesdales. Forget the glitz, throw in a short movie that we can all like, together.
Time Slot:
CBS started doing the pregame analysis at 11:30 am. A full 6 hours before the game. Please. That is unbelievable. But that isn't my problem with time. The game started at 6:30 and ran approximately 4 hours. An untold number of people, had to bail on the game and get to bed. This is also a problem with baseball playoff and World Series games. I can remember in high school going down to the auditorium and watching afternoon World Series games.
What I would do: I would televise the game at 5:00, 4:00 Central Time. Yep. Not prime time. Folks can have a big meal at noon, get the plates all cleaned up and then sit down WITH THE KIDS and watch the game. Now the games clearly go over bedtimes for a lot of kids on the East Coast and Midwest. If you started it earlier, those kids would be able to watch the game and still get their homework done for Monday.
Other than that I wouldn't change a thing. Because when all is said and done, it is the game itself that is the thing. This years game was maybe the worst, but it wasn't lopsided. And the past three years have been great games. That's the way it is with sporting events.
Oh, one other thing while I'm thinking about it. If you are playing in a mostly enclosed stadium forget the flyover. And while I still have limber fingers at the keyboard why not bring back Super Bowls in open stadiums UP NORTH. Let's get some good old snow involved in our Super Bowls.
Anything else? Hmmm. Not now, but give me a minute or two, I'll come up with something.
Then again, if the NFL adopted my ideas, it would no longer be the clanging robots banging, flagging manhood belching, beer-swilling, wings-eating display of excess we all love. Okay. I'd miss the uber display of manly excess if they adopted my ideas. Forget it. (writer grunts)
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