Friday Flashback

Originally posted on September 12, 2012.

I recently returned to crowded, bustling, busy St. Pete from a week up North.  Besides the differences of sheer space, and congestion, and all the myriad things that make small towns small and big cities big, the ability to do certain things is limiting, as well.  Down here if you live in condos or many apartments, you are limited as to whether or not you can have a pet, and if you can, how big it can be.  Down here you can sag your pants to your knees and it seems to be mostly accepted (except at the Tyrone Square Mall), while if you did it up North you'd be arrested for lewd and lascivious, or some such statute.

Another accepted practice up North, due I'm sure to farming, open spaces and the general necessities of nature, is to pee outside.  I'm not talking on the church yard 15 minutes before the sermon, but given enough privacy and lack of population, this can be done on a fairly regular basis.  The womenfolk will think this crude and unseemly, those women, of course given to the vapors.  So this post is for the men.  You guys know what I'm talking about.  Its all about the freedom, the almost manly vulgarity of it all.  At the BFE Community Center one has the option of finding relief either on the left side of the garage, or behind it, depending on traffic, wind and number of occupants in the park.  But never inside.  I wouldn't even think of it.

Earlier, in my youth, while working on my Uncle's farm, it went without saying that any need for relief was accomplished outside, always.  There was no time or predilection to be polite or perfect gentlemen.  There was always privacy within the acreage and at plenty of wooded areas as well.

While up North I had the opportunity and the compunction to mark my territory a few times.  But I was rusty.  On one paved road in the country I accidentally pissed up hill, something I would never have done if I had not been in civilized Florida the past couple of years.  Here are the best tips for pissing in the wild for you beginners.

1.  As mentioned in the above paragraph, always piss down hill.  Although a primary basic tenet of the act, given the rush and the need, sometimes the mind can forget.  It is then disastrous toward shoes, flip-flops and certainly bare feet, and automobile carpet.  Look out always, also for backsplash.  Get too cute and you end up watering your toes.

2.  Never write your name.  Although popularized in past decades, particularly in snow, this practice is different for each individual.  Obviously Al has an easier time of it than Poindexter.  Besides, you can lose focus and get spotted by another driver or pedestrian. Save your handwriting skills for homework.

3.  Always position yourself equidistant between two hills or rises in the road.  In the country, the sound of rubber on gravel and a great swirling dust cloud is a giveaway that you need to finish.  On paved roads, it becomes a little trickier - thus the need for perfect positioning between both ends of the road.  Practice certainly helps but the farther you can see to both ends of the road, the better and more satisfying your nature call.

4.   Whether on the road or in your neighbor's yard, take stock of your surroundings.  Have a keen awareness of possible surprises.  If your heart is beating just a little faster, then your physiology is alerting you to life's endless probabilities.

5.  Always gauge the wind.  It's not just golfers who toss a bit of grass in the air to see the prevailing winds.  If they need to do it for a 1.620 ounce ball on the ground, then you should be just as aware of possible errant droplets on your pant legs, sneakers, or, even worse, flip-flops.

6.  It is not a sporting event.  No points are given for highest arc, noisiest splash, drowning ant colonies, or, even more scandalous, accuracy contests directed towards homes, cars or motorcycles.  keep it always in the ditch, if possible.

7.  Don't get distracted.  You are thinking about a lot of things.  Perhaps you have had a few too many beers and are trying to remember things you said or did.  Maybe you have an occupant in the car with you are must position yourself away from them all the while aware of the other issues that must be navigated.  Whatever the case, remember what you are doing!

8.  Be ready and able to abort the mission.  Sometimes even our best efforts are thwarted by ancillary events, i.e. faster cars, too much time getting in place, an unseen crossroad, sheer fright of a dark spooky country road, so one must be flexible in one's needs.

The above picture is grandkid Michael a few years ago in the back yard of the Chambers Street home in G-Burg.  I'm not positive, but this may have been his first exposure to the elements.  I believe I was the one to suggest this spot since we were in the garage and I had not yet installed my urinal.  It was actually a public service, sort of.  Instead of going to the house, bothering whoever was there, having to take his shoes off, then find the facilities, doubtless make a mess that someone will have to clean up, then reverse the steps, it seemed logical and efficient to simply take matters in his own hands, outside.  I think he broke rule #4, however, as he seems to be directing his pose to the Makeevers across the street.  Hopefully no one was home.  Otherwise we have the other points well taken care of, and seemingly, Michael has a new appreciation for the fine art of outside relief.

The following was written on the Bodine-DILLIGAF blog I have mentioned a few times.  It is classic Sutor.

Lily has helped me learn a couple of things. Puppies and 58 year old men have at least one thing in common. We need to get up and pee sometime during the night. Monday night at three in the morning Lily Lu felt the call of nature. Carol was sleeping soundly so I decided to take the little lady out to do her jobs. Leaving a warm bed and stepping out into the 60 degree night air meant that I felt a sudden and urgent need to pee as well. Lily Lu was busy doing her job and I thought this allowed time for a quick pee. I dropped my underwear to my knees and let fly. Your thought processes are not as quick at three in the morning and quick pee is no longer an ability I possess. Lily finished her pee and started to wander about on the leash. She gave a quick look my way and decided it was time to take a closer look. Thinking as quickly as my sleepy brain would allow I determined that peeing on the dog was not a good option. I redirected my aim closer to my feet to avoid giving Lily Lu a golden shower. After a few seconds I realized that I no longer heard the familiar sound of urine hitting the ground. Yes folks I had brought the aim a little too far in and was in fact peeing in my underwear. I don't have a degree in physics and cannot understand how urine can exit your body at almost 100 degrees and after exposure to the air for a few seconds is like ice water. I pulled my underwear up to my cold and now shriveled daddy parts and made a shameful walk back to the house to throw them in the washing machine. Lily Lu and I still pee outdoors but I am more aware of what both of us are doing.

Yes, unfortunately, Jeffrey broke a couple of the basic tenets using the outside commode.  His misfortune is our teaching lesson.  Sadly, although Jeffrey and Lily Lu will do better next time, the emotional pain, heartbreak, and embarrassment of this incident will stay for a while.  Stay vigilant!  Be aware! (And thanks Jeffrey for a wonderfully entertaining blog and for allowing me to use your stuff.)

Until the fates take me back North, I will suffer along using the private and public areas.  My back door faces several other occupants of Shawshank and my front too many streetlights and an impossible area for maximum safety.  It is simply too crowded down here for a needed stroll in nature.  There was, however, a particular three-story lookout in one of the nature preserves when nature called.  Perhaps, in this post, the less said the better.

ADDENDUM:

OK, this is my additional comments made yesterday on the above post. 

I reposted the above because I have now a backyard in Clearwater sufficiently dark and isolated as to provide the marking of territory.  And perhaps it has less to do with territory than convenience.  And perhaps it has less to do with convenience than a simple thumbing of the nose to society.  I don't really know why it should provide as much pleasure as it does.  Pisser dans la nature happens to be a function replete with a sense of the naughty, imbued with a kind of irreverence to convention, and finally topped off with a dash of physical relief.  

If it was good enough for 17th century artists...

 A true man's man like General George Patton... 

And Danny "Granny" Lee...

Then it's good enough for me.