Florida sucks. There may be pockets of good somewhere but if there is I've not found it. I hear Disneyland is OK, but that's really not my thing. St. Augustine is full of history and that might be ncie, but it is 4 hours away. I'd like to go to the Everglades someday, but it seems to be a typical Florida place. A hot tropical landscape infested with snakes and gators, and likely what every tourist stop is down here: a place you want to check out...once.
Here, then is my list for reasons to avoid this god-forsaken state.
1. It is almost always too hot. Winter lasts six weeks. Summer (the 3rd Circle of Hell) lasts the rest of the time. And after it rains in hot afternoon hours, it's like being in a microwave in defrost mode. Northlandia has four seasons that seems hugely sensible.
2. Snakes. The whole state is covered with them. Big ones, little ones, poisonous ones, and those titanic fuckers that like to squeeze you. Northlandia has harmless garter and bull snakes.
3. People. This place is crowded. I'm a people person. Ask anyone. Florida passed over New York a couple years ago to become the third most populated state. 21,000,000 assholes from all over the country live here. From where I live one has to travel an hour and a half to find "country". Northlandia is more rural than urban. That's nice.
4. Traffic. Most main arteries are combined 6 or 8 lane roads. People move from lane to lane (Lane Rangers) usually without turn signals in order to get an extra car length ahead. All those 21,000,000 assholes mentioned above seem to travel the roads I'm on at the time.
The current Mrs. Blythe has had her new Nissan Murano rammed twice (!) while at a stop. No lie. Northlandia has nice quiet serene 2 lane roads. Like humans were meant to travel.
5. The people who come to Florida are a lot like how Australia was colonized (Google it). They are a mix of the homeless, the deranged, the oddly fetishist. If I'm in a room of Floridians I'd feel safer next to a non-English speaking immigrant from Nicaragua.
6. National news. Most weird stories that filter throughout the country usually emanate from Florida.
For more weirdness here is a link to look at.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-101-most-insane-things-that-have-ever-happened-in-florid
7. Cost of Living. Everything is more expensive down here. It is a service-oriented state so it seems everyone has their hands outs for a tip. The price for Cottonelle 12-roll toilet paper here is 6.48 at Publix. Charmin 12-roll at Hy Vee in G-Burg is 3.99. Oreo's here is 2.85 and 1.99 up North.
Living up North is cheaper.
8. Storms. Since I've been here I have experienced 2 major storms, Tropical Storm Debbie and Hurricane Irma. I will concede that is not a lot, but Kenze and Drew are paying a tax abatement added to their property tax for Irma that has no end date. I'll take my chances with a tornado any day over a hurricane.
9. Baseball. This wretched state has 2 major league baseball teams, the Marlins and Rays. Nobody goes. Both have lowest attendance in MLB.
Northlandia has 4 regional major league teams, the Cardinals, Brewers, White Sox and Cubs. People trip over themselves to get tickets.
10. Bugs. The tropics are breeding grounds for blood-sucking bugs. You can't step outside without becoming a blood bank. Mosquitoes, no-see-ums, palmetto's, fleas and ticks that never die over winter. No, they live round year, getting bigger, smarter.
In Northlandia the early freeze stops the suckers in their tracks for six months.
11. Florida is a swampy flat sand dune. There is nothing to see, nothing of beauty, no hills, no valleys, no mountains. Because of all the population growth there are no stars or dark skies at night.
Northlandia has all of the above.
12. Florida has beaches but no parking. If you can find a spot it may cost you $10 or be a mile away. Once you lug your cooler, chairs, and umbrella over the scorching hot sand you may end up next to a party who brought a radio and will play Dr. Dre, Third Wave of EMO or Mall Punk. Once you get in the water watch out for Red Tide, rip currents, high chop, sting rays or those hellishly painful jellyfish.
Northlandia has Starved Rock, the Mississippi and Lake Story. Fun enough for most.
13. In the interest of fairness, there is one plus to living here. It is one of seven states that has no income taxes. When you think about it, however, it looks a lot like they are paying you to live here.
One of my favorite questions to ask new acquaintances is if they are original Floridians. You seldom run into them. They have, no doubt, left the state.
August. August.
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