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A Piece of My Mind







I've been on a found footage kick for a few weeks now.  More scientific study rather than cheap thrills, I have been watching as many as possible to see its possibilities as well as its limitations.

Found footage is the genre of films that are hand held video documentation usually of the paranormal.  Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity are just two examples of this type of movie.  I watched Hell House LLC a few weeks ago and it was pretty scary, and who doesn't want a good scare, as long as it is safe and "over there", like watching snakes at the zoo instead of in your basement.

Here
is how 96% of all found footage movies go:


1. The opening scene is a police notice detailing case number, where incident took place, and parties involved. Can't be any opening credits like most movies since found footage, herein FF, is from someone's video camera, right?


2. A group of friends or business associates are packing for a trip, loading a car, meeting people from work, that sort of thing. There is always much joking, small talk, and friendly banter.


3. Someone is always annoyed at the nerd, goofball who is filming all this. And they will ask why they are filming, as opposed to when things go South, people will tell them to stop filming altogether.


4. Someone in the group will sidle over to the goofball who is filming and tell them no matter what happens never stop filming.

5.  Everyone has names but "Dude" is the default salutation.  


6. When in the old building, in the woods, haunted house or wherever the group is, one person will do something to invoke a spirit. They will either find a Ouija board, or do a séance, or do some kind of ritual that brings on the Evil one. This can also be simply disturbing the doll in the corner of the attic, or in the case of an asylum, asking if someone is there. And if so, please show yourself.  Dumb move.

7. Then the fun begins. Watch for that fishing line that moves objects and closes doors.  From this point on its just how people die.


8.  You can tell when something is about to happen because movie makers tend to put in a low-hum sound on the track to heighten tension.  I'm not sure if ghosts usually come with a hum, but there you are. 

9.  Cue the obligatory poltergeist type shenanigans and running from our poor stars.  Running through the puckerbrush, the hallways and through doors that either enter into another hallway or won't open.  Sometimes ghosthunter crews even lock themselves in over night thinking the caretaker will open the doors int he morning.  Another dumb move.

10.  And like that cat in the above picture, always, without fail, the poor victims after being subdued will drop their camera and then be seen being dragged away.

11.  Usually everyone dies, thus the found part of the found footage.

12.  End credits is usually a message from the police asking if anyone has any info to call them.  

FF is a terribly limiting genre.  There is just so much you can do and most everyone seems to have done it already and the rest just kind of copy of that boilerplate.  There are many OK versions that will do what it is supposed to - to scare you.  Most are bad, however, and have the obligatory slamming doors and noises.  The worst part is the set up.  Introducing the characters and where they are going is excruciating and can take upwards of a quarter to half of the movie.  You can do it in houses, warehouses, abandoned asylums are popular, and even outer space.   

The good part is that they are usually short,  the most obnoxious of the group always dies, and, hey, anyone can make one.  You can even do it on your iPhone.  Turn off your lights, knock over a vase and have someone come up behind you in a black hood, and voile!, your Cecil B. DeMille.  Go ahead and make one.  Lots of people have.  YouTube is full of amateur FF films, some as little as 2 minutes.  Really!  Fish line can be bought at sporting goods stores.  No scripts are needed - go live ad lib.  You'll need a flashlight and good running shoes.  Now, go to it.  But, be careful not to rouse any sleeping evil spirits.                

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